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The art of kleptogamy

13 February 2012

The scene - can you hear the Loon?

You’re standing at the edge of the forest, overlooking a wide clearing. The sun has just touched the treetops behind you and the shadows are long and dark. The air is cool and clear and you can hear for miles. A Black-throated Loon calls eerily from the big lake beyond the hills. You flick your ears nervously. This is his territory.

A gentle breeze ruffles the fur on your neck. You lift your nose and breathe in the cool autumn air. Females. Four or five of them, and no more than a few hundred yards away. The scent is rich and intoxicating and you can can’t help getting aroused. You suppress your anxiety and force yourself to stay hidden in the shadows. Where is he?

Time passes slowly. It’s now almost completely dark. The Loon has stopped calling, and in the stillness you suddenly hear noises from the other side of the clearing. Something big is approaching; branches are forced aside and twigs snap. In the quiet of the night the noise seem deafening. Carefully, you lift your nose again and sniff in the air. No. It’s not him. But it is a bull, and he’s big. Luckily the gentle wind is on your side and he will not be able to detect your smell; you’re safe.

The perpetrator - aren't you handsome?

The new bull appears from the dark of the forest no more than 300 yards away. He is big. His wide antlers are shaggy with strips of shed velvet, and his tall shoulders are covered with a thick long dark-brown mane. You force yourself to stand still, even though every bone in your body tells you to run. The bull lifts his head and grunts loudly. A few seconds pass, then one of the females answer from within the woods with a wailing sound that make you shiver with excitement.

The bull turns towards the sound, but just as he starts to move he appears. The two bulls stop and stare at each other, no more than 50 yards apart. They are almost exactly the same size, but the old bull’s antlers are bare and shiny. With an aggressive snort, he signals his readiness to protect his females. If this makes the intruder to think twice it doesn’t show. Instead he slowly shakes his huge head and the wide antlers makes a soft swooshing sound in the still air. This provocation brings the dominant bull over the edge. With another grunt he suddenly charge. The two bulls collide with an incredibly loud noise, their antlers locking. Each of them tries to shove the other bull off his balance. Their big hooves dig into the soft wet ground.

The old bull - and he's not happy

The commotion is your signal. You slip quietly back into the forest and move in the shadows, circling the clearing. As you approach the other side, you can hear the group of females moving around in the dark. An overwhelming feminine smell hits your nostrils and the scent makes you dizzy. Carefully you move closer. There. Two fully grown cows and three female yearlings. Both of the older females are ready for mating.

With your heart throbbing you tentatively approach one of the older cows. She lifts her head and take a long look at you. But no; you don’t pass. She turn away and move over to one of the yearlings. Disappointed, you look for the other cow. She’s not there. In the darkness of the thick forest, you’ve lost her. Standing still you prick your ears and listen. Out on the clearing, you can still hear the two bulls battling it out over the dominance of the females. Everything else is quiet and still. No. Wait. Something is breathing softly no more than 10 yards away. The other cow.

You chance a soft grunt. Almost immediately she replies with a thin wail. The realisation that she’s ready for you makes the excitement almost unbearable. You take a few steps in her direction, and she meets you half-way, lifting her head slightly to let her soft nose touch yours. You move closer, giving her head a gentle nudge. Her fur is dry and slightly dusty; the warm smell of her body is inviting you further. You quickly move around to her back, giving her a quick lick. The blood is now rushing in your head, drowning out the sound of the other bulls. You position yourself and mount her. She shifts slightly under your weight but doesn’t move away.

Your prize - what a beauty!

The mating is over within seconds. As you slip off her back the reality of the situation hits you and you listen for the other bulls. Nothing. The only sound is of the cow slowly moving away in the underbrush. Fear strikes your heart – if the old bull finds you here there will be no pardon. You sniff in the air but all you can smell is the strong scent of female and sex. Nervously you approach the edge of the forest to check out the clearing. It’s empty.

You hold your breath and listen for signs of the old bull, but you can’t detect a single sound. The panic is starting to build up inside you – you have to get out of here. Now.

With your heart’s heavy beating in your ears you make a dash through the shrubs at the edge of the clearing, trying to be as fast and as quiet as you can. You’re closing in on the hills – if you can make it to the lake you’d be safe. As you round a patch of young birch trees you find yourself face to face with – the intruder.  He’s got a deep gouge across his left cheek and one of the tines on his antlers has been broken clean off. You look at each other for what seems like forever, until suddenly you remember you’ve got legs and quickly break off into the woods and run for the lake.

So. The old bull has been replaced, and there’s a new alpha male in charge. Well, little does he know that some of the calves this season will be yours, not his..

This post is part of The Sneaky Fucker Project. The other posts can be found here:

  • Lucy’s Football – read her great post on frat boys, frog sex and male and female sneaky fuckers.
  • The Best Self-Help T-Shirt Catalog Ever! – this post is more about fish gonads than anything else, which is just awesome.
  • Random Thoughts of a plum – she has written an amazing children’s book explanation of the concept called ‘Benjie: The story of a very sneaky little rascal’.
  • lahikmajoe – his post is (among other things) about Duckie Dale from John Hughes’ film Pretty in Pink. Is he the ultimate sneaky fucker?
  • Secret guest poster – Lucy’s Football has got a guest post on her blog; go and read what Mr Anonymous has to say on the subject.
  • Patrixmyth’z Blog – a great post on why Sneaky fuckers are worse than Alpha males/females; it’s got graphs and everything!
  • Adminderella – a brilliant post on a Sneaky fucker-themed sleepwalker! A must read!
17 Comments leave one →
  1. 14 February 2012 00:22

    Wow. Just wow. I tip my hat to you sir.

    *Slow claps*


  2. 14 February 2012 02:39

    Applause! Well done!


    • 14 February 2012 07:18

      Thanks! As they always say: “Write what you know”. (Which I now realise isn’t perhaps the best thing to bring up in this situation..)


  3. 14 February 2012 13:15

    Best moose porn I ever read.

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you too!


  4. 14 February 2012 14:54

    This is some sexy moose erotica, right here.

    I mean, I’m not an expert on moose erotica? Or, have ever even seen any other moose erotica? But I’m pretty sure, if there was ever moose erotica, THIS WOULD BE THE BEST OF IT.

    For Ken’s sake, I’m sad there’s not more thrusting. But, there was a reference to throbbing. Hopefully that will suffice. He’s hard to please, that man.


    • 15 February 2012 20:40

      Thank you! I must admit I have no first-hand experience either. But, being all ‘sciency’, I extrapolate. And when it gets too graphic (thrusting moose porn is one bridge too far, in my opinion), I edit with a big pair of virtual scissors and hope no one will see the gap left behind.

      There: my secret tips on how to write moose erotica. You’re welcome!


  5. 16 February 2012 19:12

    This is how I got children.


  6. 28 February 2012 20:43

    This is the best moose porn I’ve ever read. Ever. You should submit it to Moostler.



  1. How to Protect your Eggs from Kleptogamists « The Best Self-Help T-Shirt Catalog Ever!
  2. I’m a lover, not a fighter, and I’m really built for speed « Lucy's Football
  3. Duckie the quintessential sneaky fucker « lahikmajoe
  4. Huh. You’d think “Bundy” would be in my Wordpress dictionary, what with Ted Bundy being so famous/infamous and all.

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