Skip to content

A twitter ballad

4 March 2012


It all started with Klout, the social media influence measuring site. @thebooksluts wanted to be shown as influential in Star Trek, and even promised to write a ballad in honour of the person helping her to accomplish this. Being in a good mood and with benign feelings towards my fellow human beings (shut up – it does happen!), I set about to add the topic to her Klout profile. However, no matter how I tried I couldn’t get it to work, not even with the kind assistance of @AmandaStratton.

Even so, @thebooksluts was pleased that we’d tried:

This is exciting! I’ve never had a ballad written about me before! What would this ballad be about?

Oh. Ok. Still excited, though! Let the telling begin:

Good start! I’ve been to India, many years ago. And I did see several tigers. Don’t remember if I found one under a table, however? Only monkeys. But it was a long time ago, so I might have done and then forgotten about it.


Best friends

Well, isn’t that typical! And I like a quiet spot of tea as well. Now I’m getting angry.

And don’t forget the monkey! Marauders ignore a monkey with a rolling-pin at their own peril.

A desirable hero

Who doesn’t like monkeys? Rude ugly people, that’s who.

Can she have red hair? I’m going to make her having red hair; badly coloured red hair.

Bedroom surprise

Oh! Didn’t see that one coming!

I hate being executed. It’s one of my pet peeves.

Locked away

This is true. What’s a death sentence between besties?

Or indeed beasties.

Clever monkey

Damn it! Just can’t catch a break, can we? What will they do to us now?

Baking a whole wedding cake? No pressure then!

Wedding cake

Well, lack of attention is highly correlated with gluttony. Everybody knows that.

Also, we need something for the road – stealing away is hard work.

Damn right! Breaking out of dungeons and escaping death penalties warrants a holiday for sure.

Island getaway

Wow! That was an awesome ballad! I’m so chuffed to have starred in it! And how accurate it was in all the little details; @thebooksluts sure does know me well.

By the way: you’ll be pleased to hear that @thebooksluts is now influential in Star Trek. All’s well that ends well.

P.S. A big THANK YOU to @thebooksluts for writing this amazing story – and in real-time, no less! That sure is some impressive improvisational skills! I also feel that I must apologise for not having published this until now, several weeks after the event, but Baby Girl demands a lot of my attention. Plus, I’m not an illustrator, so these simple drawings have taken quite some time to finish.

22 Comments leave one →
  1. 4 March 2012 15:49



  2. 4 March 2012 18:51

    That’s some mighty fine picture drawing, you done did there! Nice word makin’ from @thebooksluts, also.


  3. 5 March 2012 05:36

    I finally picked a favorite. It’s the baking photo, because the tiger’s tongue is poking out a bit. Also, it reminds me of the baking scene in Sleeping Beauty, and that’s probably one of my favoritest scenes in all of Disneydom.


    • 5 March 2012 06:10

      Thanks! I almost left the tongue out of the drawing (after all, tigers aren’t all that keen on cake); glad I didn’t now.

      I also just realised there is no sugar in the picture, so it’s either a sugar free cake or the monkey has yet to fetch it from the larder.


  4. 5 March 2012 11:49

    Read this last night right before bed, and think I actually dreamed about friendly tigers…thought I’d already commented, but here it is.

    I see these stories sometimes while they’re happening on twitter, and I truly enjoy them.

    Tried one myself about Amy the little clown, but the reception wasn’t as good as I’d hoped.


    • 5 March 2012 17:22

      She didn’t like it? Aw. And with little cute clowns and all.


    • 6 March 2012 01:08

      I did like it. But also I was totally creeped out because YOU GUYS. CLOWNS.

      Sorry. I just can’t get over that. CLOWNS. It was more of an exercise in psychology than anything. Like, how much DO I like Ken? Enough to ignore the fact he’s telling a story about me where I’M A CLOWN?

      The answer was yes, I do. I like Ken JUST THAT MUCH.

      Also, Andreas, CLOWNS AREN’T CUTE. Gah.


      • 6 March 2012 07:21

        We really need to do something about your coulrophobia, don’t you think? Why, clowns are friendly and cheerful and funny with their painted faces, big swollen red noses and their huge staring eyes.. *shudders* Ok, now I’m awake. I think I’ll need to check the house for clowns.


        • 6 March 2012 12:24

          See? SEE? There’s nothing wrong with a little coulrophobia. It keeps you SAFE. From the CLOWNS.

          I have a reason. It’s half because of the book and movie “It” and half because of the time a clown dragged me onstage at the circus and sang to me. Did I ever blog about that? It was the WORST.


  5. 6 March 2012 01:15

    OK. that wasn’t even my really real comment, THIS is my really real comment.


    I remember when this epic saga was unfolding and now here it is! Illustrated! Impressively!

    I don’t even LIKE monkeys. But I like this monkey. And of course I like tigers. Who doesn’t like tigers? This tiger even bakes. He’s the best.

    Also, you’ve been to India? I am quite sure all of my internet people live these total lives of international mystery, seriously. SO EXCITING. Except, there were monkeys? Do you mean, like, just running around all willy-nilly? I wold NOT like that. No, no. Not at all. That would make me NERVOUS.


    • 6 March 2012 06:25

      Yes, monkeys running around all willy-nilly. And you’d be right to be nervous; those macaques can be both crafty and vicious. (Side note: isn’t it odd how we celebrate intelligence in ourselves and our pets, but when wild animals exhibit intelligent behaviour they become the most hated of pests? Like rats, seagulls, crows, keas and monkeys. I wonder if that’s because their behaviour conflict with ours (figuring or how to get to our grain, tearing through our rubbish, pulling out and emptying our fishing nets, eating all the rubber seals off our cars or stealing our lunch), or if it’s something deeper, like perhaps we’re a little scared there might be other species around that – in some regards – are as clever, or ever more clever, as us?) As the monkeys quickly become used to humans and lose all respect for us, they take up pilfering, pick-pocketing and even day-light robbery. Keep your possessions tucked safely away or you might find your camera, wallet or car keys disappearing up a tree in the hands of a monkey (ironically, anything we pay particular attention to is considered potentially valuable by macaques, and will be targeted, so don’t be obvious with keeping track of your things).

      Anyway, I’d recommend going to India at least once; it’s bound to be an adventure (although perhaps not a relaxing holiday).


      • 6 March 2012 12:30

        I think I’d be scared of India. Or at least the cities. I’ve seen them on “The Amazing Race” and MAN are they crowded. I don’t like that many people touching me at any given time. Or anyone, actually. Anyone touching me at any given time. ESPECIALLY strangers. Eep.

        Monkeys are scary because they have fast little hands and are destructive and fling poop and have wizened little old-man faces.

        What is a kea? This is a thing I have to research today!

        You have the best theories in all of theory-dom. I’m sad you live so far away. Can you imagine the gigantic fun talks we could have over coffee? SO MUCH FUN THEORIZING!


        • 6 March 2012 13:42

          It’s not that crowded. I mean, it is crowded, but overly so. Mumbai is hectic, but getting out to smaller cities and towns it slows down a bit. And Goa is very relaxed, possibly due to its Portuguese heritage.

          A kea is an alpine parrot from New Zeeland; very clever, very annoying.

          Aw! Want to have coffee with you now! And the talk and the theorising! Goddammit! Might have to come to the US to visit one day.


  6. Roz permalink
    6 March 2012 18:48

    The drawings are enchanting and bring an already colorful story to life. This was so much fun to read. 😀


  7. 9 March 2012 14:58

    I’m a little late, but I have to say that this is wonderful! Bravo to both you and @thebooksluts.


Feel free to comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: